Tuesday, December 6, 2011

How to Spam Effectively

Here are some techniques on how to spam effectively.
  • Introduce yourself like you know the recipient personally. You might have some tender words in your subject line ("dearest", "beloved", "darling", "monkey love") which will immediately appeal to the reader and encourage them to check the message.
  • Pretend you're with a government agency or corporation. Believe me, when someone sees a message incoming from the FBI, CIA, Homeland Security, Bank of America, Hormel, Adam & Eve, or even The White House, it is a real attention getter!
  • Only use a first name in the "from" field of your messages. I have friends named Claire, Jane, Lexus, Chiquita, all of whom happen to be females with smokin' hot bodies. Of course I will not hesitate to open emails from these lovelies!
  • Use a free email provider like Yahoo to send out your messages. Using official addresses is so formal! Use casual addresses instead (like vincentnobi1970@yahoo.com) and you will instantly appeal to the recipient's heart and wallet.
  • Mention the name of a famous prescription drug, like Viagra. There is a flat 50% chance that the person reading your message has a penis. Use that opportunity to pimp the most effective erectile dysfunction drug in the world!
  • Occasionally misspell words, especially when impersonating a bank. Email can be so boring, everyone has a spellchecker these days. Be different! Tell someone they're going to loose access to their account, or that extra feeds will be charged.
  • Make sure your name appears followed by a bunch of abbreviations. I've always paid special attention to emails from my partner in Nigeria, Dr. Clement Okon, MD, PhD, DVM, MBA, ESQ, BS. Your customers will, too! 

That's it! I hope the techniques I've outlined above will help YOU become a more effective spammer.